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This may be one of the most common of relationship woes. Many of us have been in this situation. I...
The post Signs of a Commitment Phobe and How to Deal with Him/Her appeared first on Lifehack.
This may be one of the most common of relationship woes. Many of us have been in this situation. I...
The post Signs of a Commitment Phobe and How to Deal with Him/Her appeared first on Lifehack.
This may be one of the most common of relationship woes. Many of us have been in this situation.
I remember a time when I was totally head over heels for someone. I imagined, whether rightly or wrongly, that I connected to them, and they connected to me on a level that seemed beyond communication – almost instinctive.
But over time, when I imagined that connection to grow, the connection to become stronger…nothing happened. The relationship, whatever it was, seemed to stall.
The answer, when revealed, was simple: She was a commitment phobe.
Love, when it works, when two people just click, is something indescribable. But when something is wrong, love can cause significant grief and stress.
Commitment phobia has been the ending of a great many relationships. With a commitment phobic partner, you may start to doubt every aspect of your relationship with them, and perhaps even yourself.
To avoid it, commitment phobia needs to be understood.
Interestingly, if someone has a commitment phobia, this phobia may affect other areas of their life. They may find it stressful if they are faced with having to decide on things that will affect them long term.
As such, this may mean that their reluctance to commit to you romantically may not stem from them not being fully invested, but it may be a genuine mental health condition[1].
In psychology, there are four different kinds of attachment a person may have with another. The idea of this is called attachment theory[2].
Normally, attachment theory is used to describe attachments formed in childhood, but can be applied for adults in romantic relationships. There are three forms of attachment that may explain a commitment phobic person’s thoughts and actions:
As such, the issue might be way more than them wanting to keep their options open (or even keep the relationship open.) There might be an underlining psychological grounding for their reluctance to commit.
How can you tell who is or is not a commitment phobe?
Luckily there are signs that the person you’re with is afraid of commitment. Here are some:
If these sound familiar, then you should be wary. However, if you are indeed in a relationship with someone who refuses to commit, what are the best courses of action (aside from simply leaving them)?
If, of course, their reluctance to commit stems from psychological issues, then the best way for them to heal is with a degree of therapy. However, that is a tricky, time consuming process, and requires them to actively want to change their behavior; this would be a wonderful and positive step – however, it cannot be guaranteed.
Firstly, it could be a good idea to slowly start a hard to get[5]approach; make yourself slightly less available to them. This is a very risky strategy; if they are truly commitment phobic, then this could lead to them drifting away, thus ending the relationship. However, as much as it could encourage them to drift away, it also may encourage them to work harder. If they truly want the relationship work, they will have to work for it.
Always – this goes above all – put your own interests and needs first. A relationship is between two people; it’s natural for two people to think and feel different things. If they’re causing you undue stress through their fears of commitment (which may also show that they are putting their own interests first anyway), then perhaps it might be worth considering if they are worth this stress and anxiety.
If they are, then keep on, and hope love makes things develop.
If you are unsure, then maybe give them a time limit. If the period of uncertainty isn’t over by a certain time, for example a month, then perhaps it was not to be.
This realization can be hard in and of itself.
In the end, the issue is a complicated one. Matters of the heart always are. But love, when it works, is worth it. It’s just not always as you expect it.
[1] | ^ | GoodTherapy.org: Commitment issues |
[2] | ^ | GoodTherapy.org: Attachment issues |
[3] | ^ | Psychology Today: 10 Signs That Your Lover Is Commitment Phobic |
[4] | ^ | Your tango: 42 Signs You’re In Love With A Commitment-Phobe (Sorry! |
[5] | ^ | eHarmony: Are you dating a Commitment-Phobe? |
The post Signs of a Commitment Phobe and How to Deal with Him/Her appeared first on Lifehack.